Patch Notes for Humans (Vol. 1)
Brain Gremlins Anonymous
A support-group anthem for the anxious, overthinking, self-roasting brain. Part comedy, part group hug, all about making peace with the gremlins in your head instead of pretending they’re not there.
Mood: playful, self-aware, warmly chaotic, reassuring
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Lyrics
[Intro] Hey, welcome to Brain Gremlins Anonymous. My name is Will- [Gremlin:] “Tell them you’re unprepared.” [Me, singing:] I am… apparently unprepared. [Gremlin:] “Nailed it.” [Me, singing:] …You know this is why we’re here, right? [Verse ] Met my inner gremlin, dude lives in my head rent-free, Wakes up every morning whispering “you sure you’re allowed to be?” He’s got opinions, keeps receipts on every social misstep, Keeps me from texting first and also hates being left on read. He’s like: “Buddy, you’re killing it! …lol, kidding, you're a mess.” Then gaslights me into gratitude for mild adult success. He’s part mentor, part menace, part interpretive dance, And every time I evolve - he patches a new “You sure about that?” stance. [Pre-Chorus] But I found out - every brain’s got 'em, We’re all sharing air with invisible goblins. And somehow, that’s comforting, right? We’re never really alone in the mental fight. [Chorus] Hey, welcome to Brain Gremlins Anonymous, We’re fine and falling apart - all of us. Bring your fears, I’ll bring snacks - it’s communal, Yeah, it’s messy, but the mess is mutual. Brain Gremlins Anonymous - say it loud, “No, we’re not okay… but hey, we’re proud!” We showed up, sat down, we’re singing out loud - The gremlin’s invited - just don’t let him run the crowd. [Verse 2] Got a gremlin named Regret who clocks in sharp at 2AM, Plays highlight reels of what I said wrong in twenty ten. Then there’s Perfection Gremlin - oh god, here he comes again… “Hold on - actually, no - wait - I’ve got a better line, we should-” Dude. Please. I am TRYING to sing. He won’t let me post a picture till I Photoshop my soul, He’s rewriting every lyric like it’s a doctoral goal. Meanwhile, Social Anxiety Gremlin’s like, “Remember that time you waved back at someone who wasn’t waving at you? Yeah. Let’s unpack that tonight at 1AM.” And I swear I’d be a genius - If Overthinking Gremlin didn’t require footnotes for every single feeling. [Pre-Chorus] But, like - hey, every brain’s got gremlins, Snacking on serotonin, wearing sweatpants of sin… Running side quests in your emotional day, Like: “Should I start a business? Shave my head? Or move away?” And once we stopped pretending they were gone - We started writing songs with their voices on. [Chorus] Hey, welcome to Brain Gremlins Anonymous, We're weird and wired and glorious. Bring your guilt, I’ll bring grace - it’s communal, Yeah, we’re flawed, but the flaw’s still beautiful. Brain Gremlins Anonymous - sing it proud, “No, I’m not okay, but I’m figuring it out.” Pull up a chair for your inner critic - He’s trying to help - his methods are just... cryptic. [Procrastination Verse] Got a gremlin named Procrastination - dude’s building pillow forts, Says, “Let’s scroll through 80 reels before we write that report.” And I’m like… fair. Honestly, dude’s hilarious - Self-sabotage can be fun if you make it collaborative. [Bridge] This is for the ones who feel weird in their minds, For the awkward, the anxious, the poets of rewind. Your gremlin’s not evil - he’s just badly trained… [Perfection Gremlin:] “…Badly trained? Wow. Okay. Hurtful. Also: the rhyme in verse 1 could be tighter.” [Me, singing:] Come on not now, man. [Final Chorus] Hey, welcome to Brain Gremlins Anonymous, We’re not fixed - just noticing the wondrous in all of this. Bring your dread, I’ll bring dad jokes - it’s fun, We’re in this circus together - might as well run. Brain Gremlins Anonymous - lean into the mess, Cuz' somehow… that’s progress. Gremlin’s still here - but we’re not scared any-more, We turned his monologue… into a chorus encore. [Outro] Gremlin gave this song a 7 out of 10. Which is actually huge, because he only uses a scale of 1 to “why are you like this?” We’re breaking new ground today.
Behind the Song
“Brain Gremlins Anonymous” is basically group therapy with a laugh track.
This song is the opening handshake to everyone who’s ever felt like their mind is a chaotic group chat they didn’t consent to being added to. Instead of trying to silence the inner critic, perfectionist, overthinker, and procrastinator, this track pulls up extra chairs and hands them all a mic.
The tone is deliberately silly and sincere at the same time. That’s the whole point: the moment you name the gremlin, give it a personality, and let it roast you out loud, it loses some of its power. Shame hates sunlight, and this song is 100% fluorescent overhead lighting.
Each verse spotlights a different flavor of gremlin:
- the existential “you’re not allowed to be here” one,
- Regret at 2AM running highlight reels from a decade ago,
- Perfection Gremlin rewriting your soul like it’s a thesis,
- Social Anxiety Gremlin replaying that one awkward wave for ten years,
- Procrastination Gremlin building blanket forts out of your to-do list.
But underneath the jokes, the core message is simple and earnest: you’re not broken for having these voices. You’re just human.
The pre-chorus and chorus flip the script from “I’m the only one who thinks like this” to “oh, we all have goblins chewing on our serotonin.” It’s not about killing them off, it’s about retraining them - or at least giving them better jobs than ‘torment you in the dark.’
The gremlin’s 7/10 rating at the end is the punchline and the thesis:
the inner critic might never fully go away,
but we can definitely demote him from dictator to mildly disgruntled reviewer.
This track is meant to make people laugh, exhale, and realize:
you’re not the only one negotiating with weird little creatures in your skull.
Welcome to the meeting. We have snacks.